2 Ways to Make Your Words Stick
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Do kids always listen to parents? No. Sometimes, they only pretend to listen. They may forget what you said as soon as you leave the room. They may even blatantly disregard what you are telling them.
When they do listen, it is because they want to. You might think, then, that the secret is telling them only what they want to here, but it’s not. The secret is being the kind of person they want to listen to.
Here are two ways you can do it:
1. Make them feel accepted
Validate negative feelings. Sometimes, people just need to be heard. You can listen to your children’s complaints without having to fix them. You can have disagreements with your children that stay unresolved. Not everything needs to have a clean moment of closure. It can be enough for your child to know that you are interested in what they are thinking and experiencing, and that you care.
Accept them. Yes, actually accept them. Not just when they are being agreeable, but especially when they aren’t. When you don’t accept a behavior they are displaying, you can still accept them as people and let them know that you love them. When they make mistakes, you can allow them to figure things out without criticizing them. You can also support their preferences and interests even if you don’t share them.
2. Give neutral information
Ask before telling. Rather than telling children the way you see something, you can ask them how they see it. You can then demonstrate that you understand by reflecting their perspective back to them.
When you have to tell, tell why. Try to avoid directives and imperatives. When you have tell your children what they should do, you can give reasons. Even if the rationale seems obvious to you, it may not be obvious to children.
Be objective. No judgment or criticism, as children (or anyone else) perceive those things as pressure to think or feel a certain way. They can more easily internalize objective information. Why? Because rather than being forced upon them by someone else, objective information is something they can interpret as being their own.
When children are given neutral information by someone who accepts them, they are more likely to think, “I can use this information.” Then they can adapt it to their needs and apply it to their goals. Who knows? They may even share that information with someone else.
How to Cite this Article: Brian Vondruska, “2 Ways to Make Your Words Stick”, The Kind of Parent You Are, accessed [date], https://www.thekindofparentyouare.com/articles/sticky-words.
